Band-Aids vs. Stitches: An Anecdotal Report on Working with Men
All names and identifying information have been changed to protect confidentiality. All events have been fictionalized for entertainment.
Charles is a twenty-something-year-old male client who originally came to therapy to address relationship anxiety. Despite a deep desire for intimacy and closeness with women, he found himself panicking when he achieved it. Charles also held the belief that he needed to be in a committed relationship to engage in sexual activities with women, which became increasingly difficult as he grew interested in exploring non-monogamy. Additionally, Charles grew up in a sheltered environment, leaving him with significant fear, shame, and frustration surrounding sex and sexuality.
In his first year of therapy, Charles made substantial progress and experienced tremendous personal growth, of which I am deeply proud. He is thoughtful, empathetic, and highly motivated to change. In a recent session, Charles mentioned that nothing major was happening in his life and that he wasn’t sure what to discuss in therapy. He described his week as a "Band-Aid week," implying that he didn't feel the need for therapeutic intervention.
Charles explained it like this: sometimes, you face a "wound" that only requires a Band-Aid, something minor that he could handle on his own. Other times, the "wound" needs stitches, a level of care that would require outside help. Charles, like most people, will likely need more Band-Aids than stitches in life. Learning to ask for help, even for small things like a Band-Aid, is another way of building social resilience. It means acknowledging that while you may not need help, having support can be beneficial.
My anecdotal understanding of the "Band-Aids vs. stitches" concept is that many men, like Charles, have been socialized to believe they can only ask for help with severe issues—the kind that metaphorically requires stitches. Therapy can be a safe and powerful place for men to learn they can seek support for the small things, too. So, if you’re having a "Band-Aid week," here are some things you might consider discussing with your therapist:
Your dreams, long-term goals, where you want to be in five, ten, or fifteen years, and the steps to get there.
If you initially came to therapy in crisis and now the waters have calmed, consider filling your therapist in on foundational or background information they might be missing.
What are you excited about?
Review coping skills for times of higher stress.
Reflect on an experience that has deeply influenced the person you’re becoming (because we are always in the process of becoming).
